Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early