Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.