Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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Am I having a stroke?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING