Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
What even happened today?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti