“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
opening twitter today
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.