That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
it was love at first sight
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Doing math together is known as fourplay.