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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
This is always good for a laugh.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick