The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
did it work
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I laughed at this way too hard.