I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Based Erika
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.