Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.