Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.