The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
as is their right
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*