My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator