[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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*frowns in Scottish*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me