Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…