[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.