I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.