It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
This squirrel eats better than I do
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
awkward
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.