Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.