Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.