INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
is this a threat
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed