Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
much to think about
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them