Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter