Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
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Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?