Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
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Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!