Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth