I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
i did the math
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.