“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You Might Also Like
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.