good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When he asks for feet pics
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
A little too much information.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice