Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too