Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Would you wear it?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.