Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.