a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.