[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
This is my favorite one of these!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be