I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
WTF
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.