My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Wise advice
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.