Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?