Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope