it was love at first sight
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
There’s never enough good news
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.