wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
uh oh
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO