Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
This was a bad idea all around
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.