Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.