I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.