gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
You Might Also Like
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.