You Might Also Like
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
It’s the weekend y’all
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
watergate? u mean a dam??
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving