What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden