I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
You Might Also Like
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
How it started: How it’s going: