“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.