Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.