interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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it was a valiant fight
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*